Truth be told, a deep connection with another person is what INFJs crave the most.
If you clicked on this article, then you are either an INFJ, one of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, or you have one in your life. As an INFJ myself, I can tell you that we are deeply complex and often confusing creatures. If you are just now beginning to research this personality, I advise you to buckle up, because there is a lot to learn. The more you research, the more you’ll realize just how tender your INFJ is, despite how tough they may seem.
Your INFJ will take their time opening up to you. Use this article as advice on how to engage with them so you can get to know them on a deeper level. Truth be told, a deep connection with another person is what INFJs crave the most.
So, here are 10 caring, thoughtful things you can do for your INFJ partner or friend. These little acts of kindness shouldn’t be seen as exclusive to the INFJ personality type, rather, INFJs will really appreciate them.
How to Care for an INFJ
1. Surprise us.
INFJs are known to be organized and enjoy having a plan, but there’s a part of us that enjoys spontaneity as well. By “surprise,” I don’t mean changing plans last minute. This will only stress out your INFJ.
What I mean is something you have already planned that you know your INFJ will love doing. This could be a weekend trip to a new place, an outdoor activity, or a trip to an art museum. INFJs are adventurous at heart — despite how serious we appear — and we love experiencing new things. More important, we love creating memories with the people nearest and dearest to our hearts.
2. Feed us.
I mean this both figuratively and literally.
INFJs love to learn, and it is common to find us with our nose in a book. Along with our deeply sensitive nature, we are also very cognitive people, and we don’t shy away from conversations about literature, science, politics, religion, etc. Feed us in the intellectual sense. We will dive deep with you if you allow us the space to do so.
Also literally feed us. INFJs are always in their heads, rarely taking the time to step into the present moment. If your INFJ is in one of those weird head-space moods, bring them back to Earth with a plate of food or their favorite snack.
3. Check in on us.
Check in with your INFJ throughout the day. Chances are if an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, then you have made your way to the tippy top of their priority list, and they’d love to hear from you.
However, they probably won’t initiate many of those conversations. Being introverts — and one of the most independent of all the Myers-Briggs types — INFJs are solitary creatures. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t thinking about you (constantly). Sending a sweet or funny text will remind us that you are thinking about us, too. It shows that you care enough to reach out, even if it’s just “hello.”
If an INFJ loves you, we will be selfless with our love. Please never take that for granted. INFJs act tough, but deep down, we are so, so sensitive. Reach out when you think of us and make sure you do what you can to make us feel special.
4. Give us some space.
INFJs love people, but counterintuitively, socializing quickly drains us. If your INFJ becomes withdrawn or moody, do not be alarmed or take it personally. We probably just need some space. Our emotional sponge is full, and we need time to process everything we have absorbed.
Our time alone allows us to get in touch with how we feel about things so we can continue being our best, supportive self for you and everyone else we care about.
5. Spend quality time with us.
You may think that just being in your INFJ’s presence is enough, but we crave quality time, not just shared space. We live in a world of constant distraction: text messages, news notifications, emails… the list could go on and on. Your INFJ will appreciate when you tune those distractions out and focus on the world you have with just them.
No social media. No group outings. We want to know that you enjoy being with just us. When it’s just the two of us, we get to talk meaningfully in the way we crave.
6. Write it down.
Like many introverts, INFJs are typically much better at expressing their thoughts through writing than words said out loud. Because of this, we tend to go ga-ga over the written word: Books, poetry, letters, etc. are all things that INFJs are drawn to. I’ll bet every INFJ has imagined that a perfect world consists of sending love letters. I don’t mean you have to be John Keats or Anaïs Nin, but your handwriting on paper will melt your INFJ’s heart.
P.S. I have multiple boxes filled with letters and postcards that people have sent me over the years. I just cannot let go of them.
7. Make us laugh.
I think most people assume INFJs are deeply serious people, because we’re often lost in our thoughts and plans. Well, we are serious about certain things, but in truth, we have a funny and lighthearted side, too.
You can learn a lot about your INFJ based on their humor. It’s usually an intelligent, dark, and/or dry sense of humor. We may even make self-deprecating remarks just to get a reaction from you. We have a pretty good radar for comic relief, and we greatly appreciate when the favor is returned, especially when we are feeling tense or stressed.
8. Listen to us.
INFJs are great listeners, and as a result, we often find ourselves unwittingly playing therapist — sometimes even to people we have just met! But it is seldom that we truly feel heard by someone else.
There is always a lot going on in our heads, and like many people, we may have to vocalize our thoughts in order to understand them. Listening to our ramblings helps us sort through all the information we have absorbed to get to the root of it all. It’s a real relief being able to talk, unfiltered, and know that the other person is truly engaged and wanting to help — something rare in a world of constant chatter and noise.
9. Defend us.
As INFJs, we are aware that we are not always easy to understand. We are afraid that most people won’t take the time to get to know us. While people often feel comfortable around us, in reality, we seldom feel completely comfortable around them.
If we are being “very” INFJ (moody, solitary, etc.), please help others who don’t understand us to decipher how we tick. Our need to recharge our energy and process our feelings alone is never personal. We simply don’t always know how to get people we aren’t familiar with to understand us. You can help by not talking down our need for alone time to your friends or family, and in fact, explaining that sometimes we just need it.
Similarly, even though we want to be liked, making new friends can be tough for us. As introverts, we don’t thrive in group settings, and the way our introversion works tends to make us “hermit away” for periods of time. So help us get involved with your family or friends and feel included. To quote Chandler Bing, we are “hopeless, awkward, and desperate for love.” Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.
10. Notice little things about us.
Your INFJ is a daydreamer — head in the clouds — but we also notice the most minute details. (Many INFJs are highly sensitive people, and this is their superpower.) We want you to join in this world with us: all the beautiful (and sometimes scary, odd, or surprising) things we see.
On top of that, we want you to notice and appreciate the odd intricacies of our personality, because we do this so easily for you, and others. Like anyone else, we want to feel valued and adored by you for who we truly are. We don’t show much of ourselves to the world, but we will show it to you — and we hope you will always want to know more.